Have you ever woke up in the middle of the night crying?
Well, I did last night. At first I wasn't sure why and then I realized
what I had been dreaming about.Or should I say who.
I was dreaming about her and her kids and her sister Barbara's kids when
they were little, and how cute they were and they were all playing together.
Life seemed so free and easy, so innocent like the sweet children they were.
Then I woke up.
And realized I was crying. And I couldn't stop crying. It was a quiet cry.
I didn't want to wake up Joe next to me. This was the second night in a row
that I have dreamed about Judy. I think of her every day.
A week ago Monday I was so excited to finally have the kids go back to school after having Nathan have a week off and then Ashley have a week off and James was in
Logan. I had come back from dropping Nathan off at school and walked in the
door to an empty house so happy to BE ALONE.
But guess what? That's the hardest time. That's when it hits me. Like a
TON OF BRICKS. I just start breaking down when I'm alone. I am so much better
off when I'm not alone. Then I realize I'm not. Her spirit is with me.
Whether I'm wearing her clothes or I can hear her saying "Get up, get going,
LIVE, HAVE FUN"! For we all know that Judy was not one to ever sit around,
let alone feel sorry for herself.
That is the last thing she would want us to do.
A week ago last Thursday I was finally able to go to lunch with my Mom this
year and because Ashley was off school she went with us. We went to Cowboy
Grub and had a great time. One the way home we were talking about Judy and
how I felt so bad for Jenny and Heather losing their mother. I said to my mom
that if she would have passed away at 54 then I would have only been 20, 3 years
before I was married and before I had my first child.
The next day, my dad called to tell me that my mom's biopsy had come back
from the dermatologist and that she had basil cell carcinoma---the most common
form of skin cancer. It is on her sweet face, the one that has kissed me better
a thousand times, that one that pursed it's lips when I was a smart-alec teen-
ager to avoid a confrontation, and the one that has kissed my children's faces
too and has laughed and seen all my games and concerts and all my kids games and
Hopefully everything will be okay. Life is precious. Life is short.
I miss Judy. I miss her example. It is hard. It is never easy.
I am grateful for hugs, especially Nathan's.
There will be more days of crying. That I am sure of.
Tears of sorrow and tears of joy.